How to Talk About Harmful Content and Social Media With Your Under-13s

“Don’t you trust me, Mum?”

That question hit hard, replaying in my mind long after my son asked if he could get Snapchat, just like his friends. With other kids following different rules, it’s tough setting boundaries. To make it worse, he asked me in front of other parents, some with younger kids already using the app.

As much as it sucks being the “bad guy” parent, I gave him the mum eyes and said, “We’ll talk about it at home.” But inside, I was questioning myself: Am I being too strict? Should I let him have it like the others? As parents, it’s only natural to second-guess our choices. We want our kids to have fun online but also be safe. At the end of the day, it’s not about trusting my son—it’s about navigating a world where I don’t trust everyone else.

At Te Mana Whakaatu, I spend my days immersed in challenging content and the latest digital tools. But at home, parenting in a digital world is a whole different challenge. I’ll be honest, the content that I see at work is exactly what I am worried about my children seeing in online spaces. My concerns are less about the apps themselves and more about the harmful content they might come across while using them.

While I’ve set rules around how my kids use their devices and what they can access, the hardest part is having the conversations about trust that follow.

How to Have the Conversation 

So, where do we start? I understand this can feel overwhelming, but it’s crucial to have conversations about not just the platforms kids use, but more importantly, the kind of content they may encounter. Talking about the types of harmful or inappropriate content that exists, and setting rules and boundaries around it, helps lay the foundation for safer online experiences.

It’s also important to remember that video and image content on social media often has a bigger impact on young people because it’s so easy to engage with, quickly consumed, and often relatable or entertaining. While this can have its benefits, it also comes with real risks, like accidentally stumbling upon harmful things–such as terrorist material, suicide imagery or disordered eating content. This is where research backs things up— it’s not just about how much time kids spend online, but more about what they’re seeing and how they are engaging with it.

Below, I’ve shared what has worked for me as a parent and how I approach these important conversations with my kids.

Explain Your Reasons Clearly: Share why you’re not allowing certain apps in a way they can understand. For example, "I’m concerned about the content on Instagram and Snapchat and want to keep you safe."

Encourage Open Communication: Create a space where they feel comfortable talking about what they’re seeing online. This is essential for understanding the kind of content they’re exposed to. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

• Regular Check-ins: Set time aside each week for open conversations.
• Casual Moments:  Sometimes, the best time to bring up these conversations is during everyday activities, like a car ride or while making dinner.
• Ask Open-ended Questions: Try questions like, "How do you feel when you see certain things on YouTube?" to prompt deeper conversation about how the content affects them.
• Show Genuine Interest: Listen without interrupting and make sure to validate their feelings, even when you don’t agree.

Acknowledge Their Feelings: If they express frustration, validate their emotions. For example, "I understand it feels unfair when your friends can use these apps, but I want to help you make safe choices." Keep the conversation open by asking, "Do you want to talk more about it now or later?"

Hot Tip: Don’t have this conversation when emotions are high. Choose a calm moment where everyone can think clearly.

Toolkit for Navigating Content and Platforms 

• Explore Apps Together: Social platforms require users to be 13 or older. As your kids start exploring social media, use it together to spark natural conversations about online safety and peer interactions. For example, watching TikTok with them can open discussions about content and build critical thinking skills.
• Learn from Your Kids: Stay curious about their world and listen to their experiences. I even use their slang to connect—it shows I’m paying attention, and they appreciate it!
• Acknowledge Peer Pressure: Talk through scenarios of peer pressure and practice responses. This gives them tools to handle real-life situations confidently.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Explain why certain apps are allowed and others aren’t, creating clear expectations so they understand the reasoning behind your rules.
• Be Consistent but Flexible: Consistent boundaries help kids feel secure, but it’s important to adapt as they grow. Regularly revisit the rules to reflect their maturity.
• Use Parental Control Apps: These tools can help you manage screen time and keep online safety in check, all while being transparent about why and how they’re being used. As a caregiver, you have control over what your whānau watches, and there are plenty of helpful resources to guide these choices, like age ratings and content warnings. Te Mana Whakaatu’s "Find a Rating" tool is a great way to check ratings for films, books, and video games, so you can make safe, informed decisions for your family. We also share blogs and content impact guides on specific shows, games, episodes, and more to help whānau navigate these challenging decisions.

Building Trust Over Time

Ultimately, it’s not about being overly strict; it’s about being protective and guiding your children through the complex digital world. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s completely normal to question your decisions as a parent – trust me.

Keep the dialogue open and supportive. By engaging with your children in their interests—whether it’s gaming, watching films and series, scrolling TikTok, or watching YouTube—you can discuss the content together and ensure their experiences are both safe and enjoyable.

Remember, this is a learning process for both you and your kids, and your commitment to their well-being will always shine through.

One Last Thing...

Parenting in the digital age can feel like trying to unlock the next level of an impossible video game—just when you think you’ve figured it out, something new pops up! But here’s the good news: you don’t have to get it right every time. Like any great game, you’ll learn, adapt, and improve with each try.

Remember, your kids might be experts in the latest trends, but you’ve got the life experience and wisdom on your side. Together, you’ll make an unbeatable team—navigating the online world like pros (with a few funny TikTok dances and questionable memes along the way).

You’ve got this!

Further reading:

• Guest blog | Abuse or amuse? Navigating media platforms in 2024 | Classification Office
• Why parental controls are your video on-demand life hack | Classification Office
• Protecting tamariki and their digital footprint | Classification Office
• Social Media Safety | Get Tips And Advice With Netsafe | Netsafe
• Online Safety At Home | Stay Safe Online With Netsafe | Netsafe
• Social media brings benefits and risks to teens. Psychology can help identify a path forward
• Teens and social media use: What's the impact? - Mayo Clinic
• Clinical Report—The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families